Currently on day 7 of my 10 day visit to my parent's place here in muggy yet green & beautiful Darwin, Northern Territory (that's Croc Dundee turf for any international readers).
However, as I am still wobbling around with a brace for my damaged spine, I needed to organise a prescription for my medication, Oxycontin before I flew up here, as my current supply would run out half way through my stay.
After several assurances from an alleged Doctor back home that any script she wrote would be able to be presented and filled in any pharmacy in Australia, I went on my way.
Now as my meds have run out I have been informed by numerous (and apologetic, BTW) Doctors and pharmacists that I will get no Oxy; the pharmacies won't fill an interstate-written script and the local doctors, even if they have time to see me, won't prescribe me my medication due to new legislation.
Legislation banning me from receiving my medication, LEGITIMATELY prescribed to me by others, EVEN WHEN local medicos AGREE I should have it, because too many junkies have rorted the system to illegally obtain prescription pain-killers.
FAIR ENOUGH. But surely, if someone presents with their a) interstate written prescription b) medicare card c) interstate drivers license that a Darwin chemist could just RING THE DOCTOR WHO WROTE THE GODDAMN PRESCRIPTION?
Fuck me dead, are the people who create these blanket legislations (that hurt ONLY LAW ABIDING patients who are ALREADY SUFFERING) brain dead?
ASSHOLES.
P.S. By the way, I honestly DON'T hope that the idiots who rushed through this brilliant law ever end up in my position. Even though I now am going to be in UNECESSARY AGONY for the next three days including a 3 hour flight home, you don't wish spinal injury on anyone. Even politicians.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
John Howard is Bush's Batty Boy
Back (after 2 years or so)!!!
I've been rather (ie very fucken) slack with my postings, for two reasons...
1) I've been either working 7 days a week or
2) Recovering from a broken spine and spinal surgery (but ironically, not in that order)!
But after sifting through my multiple email account histories et. al. and FINALLY tracking down my log in details for this blog, I have a brand new "bee in my bonnet".
I know in previous posts I've been pretty scathing of George W Bush and my (and Australia's) Prime Minister John W. Howard, but quite frankly they both fucken deserve it and until recently (mostly to the mind-denting pain killers I'm munching for my back pain) I haven't had the hunger/angst/motivation to spew a bloggy tirade for yonks.
But just the other day I saw a TV commercial that steamed me more than a San Francisco Sauna. And here it goes...
For those of you that don't reside down under, there has been plenty of press about growing resentment of John Howard's staunch support of George W.'s WAR ON TERROR (tm), both vocally and in policy. Some time ago, our federal government launched a media campaign including propaganda TV (community message commercials) and fridge magnets sent to every Australian household, fridge magnets containing TERRORIST HOTLINE and hints'n'tips on how everyday Aussies can determin if their next-door neighbours were terrorists. As wanky as it was, nothing was so insidious as the TV campaign that was launched about 2 weeks ago...
It's another "community service" TV advertisement, begging Australians to be vigilant around train stations. A father and son are at a busy (probably Sydney) train station, and are about to board when the father sees a solitary sports bag sitting on the ground. He reminds his son to grab his bag and his son replies "It's not my baghdad!".
That wasn't a typo. It was just a subliminal association with terrorism. The words TERROR and TERRORIST are mentioned over and over again for the first 20 seconds or so before the father/son dialogue is inserted.
I hate to sound cynical, but I doubt it was coincidental pseudo-double-entendre. If it was coincidental, the idiots who approved the script should be sent to Guantanamo and join all of the others there who are residing due to their own bad choice or "wrong place, wrong time" faux pas.
Reminds me of the underrated but brilliant sci-fi satire "They Live" (directed by John Carpenter and starring Rowdy Roddy Piper). Get this move, watch it and then reread this posting.
Trust Me.
I've been rather (ie very fucken) slack with my postings, for two reasons...
1) I've been either working 7 days a week or
2) Recovering from a broken spine and spinal surgery (but ironically, not in that order)!
But after sifting through my multiple email account histories et. al. and FINALLY tracking down my log in details for this blog, I have a brand new "bee in my bonnet".
I know in previous posts I've been pretty scathing of George W Bush and my (and Australia's) Prime Minister John W. Howard, but quite frankly they both fucken deserve it and until recently (mostly to the mind-denting pain killers I'm munching for my back pain) I haven't had the hunger/angst/motivation to spew a bloggy tirade for yonks.
But just the other day I saw a TV commercial that steamed me more than a San Francisco Sauna. And here it goes...
For those of you that don't reside down under, there has been plenty of press about growing resentment of John Howard's staunch support of George W.'s WAR ON TERROR (tm), both vocally and in policy. Some time ago, our federal government launched a media campaign including propaganda TV (community message commercials) and fridge magnets sent to every Australian household, fridge magnets containing TERRORIST HOTLINE and hints'n'tips on how everyday Aussies can determin if their next-door neighbours were terrorists. As wanky as it was, nothing was so insidious as the TV campaign that was launched about 2 weeks ago...
It's another "community service" TV advertisement, begging Australians to be vigilant around train stations. A father and son are at a busy (probably Sydney) train station, and are about to board when the father sees a solitary sports bag sitting on the ground. He reminds his son to grab his bag and his son replies "It's not my baghdad!".
That wasn't a typo. It was just a subliminal association with terrorism. The words TERROR and TERRORIST are mentioned over and over again for the first 20 seconds or so before the father/son dialogue is inserted.
I hate to sound cynical, but I doubt it was coincidental pseudo-double-entendre. If it was coincidental, the idiots who approved the script should be sent to Guantanamo and join all of the others there who are residing due to their own bad choice or "wrong place, wrong time" faux pas.
Reminds me of the underrated but brilliant sci-fi satire "They Live" (directed by John Carpenter and starring Rowdy Roddy Piper). Get this move, watch it and then reread this posting.
Trust Me.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Boston Red Sox VS George W. Bush
George W. Bush said just a coupla days ago, "John Kerry will only win if the Boston Red Sox win The World Series".
O.K. Like, when hell freezes over.
Jerkoff.
But seriously, what's the worst alternative? George Dubya is studip, Kerry LOOKS stupider.
Bill Clinton didn't inhale, George W. has a coupla VERY cute daughters, but what has John Kerry done?
NOBODY.
Dude, George Junior is probably the dumbest, corruptest (is that a word) world leader we've ever had, but at least he has a (mind you- fucked up racist WASP Hitler-meets-Stalin-meets-Saddam Hussein but without WMDs) personality.
Actually, I take that back.
John Howard has the same amount of personality and conviction as George W.
The only difference is... John Howard (the Prime Minister of Australia) has no excuse for being a fuckwit. And his IQ IS over 100.
Don't get me wrong, John Kerry, anyone with a brain in the western world is hoping you win.
But if you do, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop your US dollar crashing, because if even RUSSIA ratifies the Kyoto Protocol on gaseous emissions, and your country keeps pumping trillions of dollars into futile operations in IRAQ, we're farked.
Kerry baby, concentrate on those 58,000 missing absentee votes in Florida (as of yesterday). If you can find those, George Dubya can find those 450 tonnes of high explosives he lost in Iraq.
before I go...
Q: What's the difference between Fidel Castro and Yassir Arafat?
A: One of them is not dying thanks to the CIA.
read into that what you will
O.K. Like, when hell freezes over.
Jerkoff.
But seriously, what's the worst alternative? George Dubya is studip, Kerry LOOKS stupider.
Bill Clinton didn't inhale, George W. has a coupla VERY cute daughters, but what has John Kerry done?
NOBODY.
Dude, George Junior is probably the dumbest, corruptest (is that a word) world leader we've ever had, but at least he has a (mind you- fucked up racist WASP Hitler-meets-Stalin-meets-Saddam Hussein but without WMDs) personality.
Actually, I take that back.
John Howard has the same amount of personality and conviction as George W.
The only difference is... John Howard (the Prime Minister of Australia) has no excuse for being a fuckwit. And his IQ IS over 100.
Don't get me wrong, John Kerry, anyone with a brain in the western world is hoping you win.
But if you do, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop your US dollar crashing, because if even RUSSIA ratifies the Kyoto Protocol on gaseous emissions, and your country keeps pumping trillions of dollars into futile operations in IRAQ, we're farked.
Kerry baby, concentrate on those 58,000 missing absentee votes in Florida (as of yesterday). If you can find those, George Dubya can find those 450 tonnes of high explosives he lost in Iraq.
before I go...
Q: What's the difference between Fidel Castro and Yassir Arafat?
A: One of them is not dying thanks to the CIA.
read into that what you will
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Regarding the previous posting
I just realised the previous post (for George W. Bush or John Howard, that's the one below, you banjo-playing buck gap-toothed/buck-toothed bum bandits) probably set off an automated text-sensitive CIA web filter program somewhere in Washington DC. The Patriot Act which was initiated awhile by U.S. congress is designed to intercept electronic communications referring to Osama, George W. etc to "detect" possible terrorist communiques, and then start a "potential terrorist threat file" on the author in question. In which case...
HELLO CIA! Nice job in Vietnam, by the way. Good to see you've learned your lesson in winning the minds of the foreign nationals living in tactically/financially desirable nations.
Ever notice George W. Bush looks like Alfred E. Newman from Mad Magazine?
Think about it...
Alfred E. Newman - MAD Magazine
George W. Bush - M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction)
Until next time, "What, me worry?"
P.S. John Howard, it's my birthday this Sunday. As a present, how about you retire like you said you would?
HELLO CIA! Nice job in Vietnam, by the way. Good to see you've learned your lesson in winning the minds of the foreign nationals living in tactically/financially desirable nations.
Ever notice George W. Bush looks like Alfred E. Newman from Mad Magazine?
Think about it...
Alfred E. Newman - MAD Magazine
George W. Bush - M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction)
Until next time, "What, me worry?"
P.S. John Howard, it's my birthday this Sunday. As a present, how about you retire like you said you would?
George W. Bush phones Aussie P.M.
Following John Howard's surprise LANDSLIDE victory on Saturday, October 9th 2004 (most bookies had him at 3/2 for a close call win), convicted felon and U.S. Army deserter George W. Bush congratulated him via phone, and said "Australia is a great ally in the war on terror, and John Howard is the right man to lead that country...".
Now I know I have knocked John Howard, but since we're stuck with him for another three years (albeit 10 times more destructive years now he has the control of the senate), I've decided to concentrate on his good points...
1. He didn't train Osama Bin Laden in guerilla warfare techniques,
2. He has an I.Q. over... well at least he has an I.Q.
3. He's kept economic growth stable for several years in a row,
4. He looks like a Thunderbird puppet with buck teeth.
I think we should just support our P.M. with blind faith, as it seems alot of Aussie voters did, and concentrate on the job at hand. As long as you never need welfare, health care or education, you should be OK.
At least the economy's stable. BOLLOCKS.
WHAT HAPPENED???????????
IS JEB BUSH RUNNING THE STATES OF AUSTRALIA????
THE ONLY PEOPLE I KNOW THAT THINK JOHN HOWARD IS THE POO AREN'T EVEN ON THE ELECTORAL ROLL!!!! Hey, fellow Australians, I have an Idea for new legislation - anyone who voted for Howard is legally prevented from whinging about him when their kids can't get the eductaion they deserve, health care they need, then the welfare required to prevent them from a life of crime after they become unemployable due to shitty schooling.
Hey, cheer up though. He won't be there for long. I think I saw Peter Costello coating HIS local member of Parliament with some ministerial anal lube. At least he's an Aussie Republican, even if he is a grinning dickhead.
Movie quote of the week:
"Peter Garrett, you are our only hope." - Princess Labor, "Class Wars: Return of the Jerkoff"
Til next time,
Heil Howard!!
P.S. can you tell I'm pissed off?
Now I know I have knocked John Howard, but since we're stuck with him for another three years (albeit 10 times more destructive years now he has the control of the senate), I've decided to concentrate on his good points...
1. He didn't train Osama Bin Laden in guerilla warfare techniques,
2. He has an I.Q. over... well at least he has an I.Q.
3. He's kept economic growth stable for several years in a row,
4. He looks like a Thunderbird puppet with buck teeth.
I think we should just support our P.M. with blind faith, as it seems alot of Aussie voters did, and concentrate on the job at hand. As long as you never need welfare, health care or education, you should be OK.
At least the economy's stable. BOLLOCKS.
WHAT HAPPENED???????????
IS JEB BUSH RUNNING THE STATES OF AUSTRALIA????
THE ONLY PEOPLE I KNOW THAT THINK JOHN HOWARD IS THE POO AREN'T EVEN ON THE ELECTORAL ROLL!!!! Hey, fellow Australians, I have an Idea for new legislation - anyone who voted for Howard is legally prevented from whinging about him when their kids can't get the eductaion they deserve, health care they need, then the welfare required to prevent them from a life of crime after they become unemployable due to shitty schooling.
Hey, cheer up though. He won't be there for long. I think I saw Peter Costello coating HIS local member of Parliament with some ministerial anal lube. At least he's an Aussie Republican, even if he is a grinning dickhead.
Movie quote of the week:
"Peter Garrett, you are our only hope." - Princess Labor, "Class Wars: Return of the Jerkoff"
Til next time,
Heil Howard!!
P.S. can you tell I'm pissed off?
Monday, October 04, 2004
Gigolo tips for the talented amateur
Tips John Howard gave me...
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Shower the morning of a date, using anti-bacterial soap (correctly). This eliminates body odour yet still allows your pheremones to create a pheremone zone that roughly surrounds you with a radius of about 2 - 3 metres, which will signal to....
2. Women within 24 hours of their peak ovulation cycle. They're sometimes easier to recognise by dilated pupils, blood engorged lips and blushing of (facial) cheeks and labia (normally not visible,
3. You're not seducing, she's choosing. Go for a numbers game. Here in Australia, Poker Machines fill hotel rooms in their hundreds, and women prefer electronic gambling games to men by a ratio of around 6 to 1. Women gamblers also ironically tend to be ovulatory risk takers, so your chances are exponentially increased. If a female is with mate, he will normally hover nearby, so you can quickly eliminate high risk interaction. Remember, as long as they're single, you have about a one in five chance of finding a potential coplulator.
4. Appear friendly, positive and emotionally secure, yet mildy aloof. Attempt eye contact with target subjects, maintain then break first, pivot sideways as to show your symetrical (and mateworthy) physique while not smiling but grinning wryly, finishing with a quick back-glance.
5. Wander off for about 3 minutes, then return within a 3 mtr radius of potential target, but don't initiate contact. If she doesn't, shuffle off after you grab your drink/cigarette/pokie winnings. GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE UNTIL INITIAL VERBAL PROTOCOL IS INITIATED BY FEMALE.
6. Listen to what she says: only speak one word for her every 5 to 7, this appears to her as being an assessment of her inseminational appeal.
7. Keep back to the wall, eyes occaisionally darting briefly around her comfort zone. This encourages her to feel nurtered and protected.
8. Observe pupil dilation and vocal tone - sexual arousal triggers pupil widening and increased testosterone levels, creating a deeper female voice by loosening and lengthening the vocal cords around the larynx.
9. Tilted head, limb joints and feet should all be facing you now, indicating sexual interest. Subconcious grooming (hair flicking, picking fluff off her blouse etc) also indicates mating approval.
10. Suggest that you both venture outside, away from the carcinogenic and smoky environment, which is really you saying "I can't concentrate on you with all that noise/smoke etc" while she's thinking "kiss time". Don't. Talk not to her, but with her. Then when she urges to go inside, say "before you go" and lean in and SNOG HER.
i'm tired, tune in for pt 11 tomorrow...
and remember, if you have sex in the great outdoors, use lube with SPF 15
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Shower the morning of a date, using anti-bacterial soap (correctly). This eliminates body odour yet still allows your pheremones to create a pheremone zone that roughly surrounds you with a radius of about 2 - 3 metres, which will signal to....
2. Women within 24 hours of their peak ovulation cycle. They're sometimes easier to recognise by dilated pupils, blood engorged lips and blushing of (facial) cheeks and labia (normally not visible,
3. You're not seducing, she's choosing. Go for a numbers game. Here in Australia, Poker Machines fill hotel rooms in their hundreds, and women prefer electronic gambling games to men by a ratio of around 6 to 1. Women gamblers also ironically tend to be ovulatory risk takers, so your chances are exponentially increased. If a female is with mate, he will normally hover nearby, so you can quickly eliminate high risk interaction. Remember, as long as they're single, you have about a one in five chance of finding a potential coplulator.
4. Appear friendly, positive and emotionally secure, yet mildy aloof. Attempt eye contact with target subjects, maintain then break first, pivot sideways as to show your symetrical (and mateworthy) physique while not smiling but grinning wryly, finishing with a quick back-glance.
5. Wander off for about 3 minutes, then return within a 3 mtr radius of potential target, but don't initiate contact. If she doesn't, shuffle off after you grab your drink/cigarette/pokie winnings. GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE UNTIL INITIAL VERBAL PROTOCOL IS INITIATED BY FEMALE.
6. Listen to what she says: only speak one word for her every 5 to 7, this appears to her as being an assessment of her inseminational appeal.
7. Keep back to the wall, eyes occaisionally darting briefly around her comfort zone. This encourages her to feel nurtered and protected.
8. Observe pupil dilation and vocal tone - sexual arousal triggers pupil widening and increased testosterone levels, creating a deeper female voice by loosening and lengthening the vocal cords around the larynx.
9. Tilted head, limb joints and feet should all be facing you now, indicating sexual interest. Subconcious grooming (hair flicking, picking fluff off her blouse etc) also indicates mating approval.
10. Suggest that you both venture outside, away from the carcinogenic and smoky environment, which is really you saying "I can't concentrate on you with all that noise/smoke etc" while she's thinking "kiss time". Don't. Talk not to her, but with her. Then when she urges to go inside, say "before you go" and lean in and SNOG HER.
i'm tired, tune in for pt 11 tomorrow...
and remember, if you have sex in the great outdoors, use lube with SPF 15
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Smoking and Catholisism (is that spelled right?)
Now before I start, let's get 2 things straight - I am a Scottish Presbyterian (AKA pisshead protestant) and I'm dumb enough to be a tobacco smoker.
I am trying to quit, however. I now only smoke when I'm drinking alcohol, so I've now cut down to 3 packs a day. The problem is, ever since I was young, my father always taught me not to be a quitter. in fact, when I was 12 years old, my dad caught me smoking, and he did what all 70's fathers did - he made me sit down and smoke the whole pack right there in front of him, and I tell you what, I learned my lesson: the following day, I let him catch me with 3 hookers and a bottle of Jack Daniels. But it was mum when I was growing up that was always mentioning hookers... she used to say "CLEAN UP YOUR BEDROOM! THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A BROTHEL!" and I'd say "I don't think so! Have you seen The Pink Pussycat? That place looks awesome!".
I've tried to quit smoking with nicotine chewing gum, and I came up with an improvement - have a chewing gum containing nicotine AND beer, and make it taste like pussy.
But now the Pope... a catholic friend of mine was going on about how the Bible forbids contraception and a sex life for priests. Bullshit. A pope a few hundred years ago decided that to prevent his top salesmen (priests) from leaving all of their riches to their spouses when they die, he ordered all Priests to become celibate, which in theory should stop them getting chicks pregnant and thus marrying them. And as for the anti-contraception rule, that was introduced purely to guarantee increased membership in the church, along with increasing chucnks of cash tithed at usually 20% of gross income which went directly to the Catholic Church, ensuring ever incresing profits and turnover (don't quote me, but I think The McDonalds Corporation and The Vatican are usually neck and neck for worldwide economic turnover and percentage of worldwide market penetration (scuse the ironic choice of words).
One last thing, speaking of the Clergy (in general, not just Catholics) check this quote from EROS, the Australian Lobby Group for the Adult (Sex) Industry in Australia...
"...Without any engagement on the issue the church is isolated and will continue to make the mistakes of its past. The prosecution of 450 sex crimes against it in 10 short years is overwhelming and damming evidence..."
That was 10 years up to a couple of years ago. Both the Sex industry and combined Christian Clergies each employ an estimated 20,000 people each, with NOT ONE charge or conviction of an Australian Adult Industry employee. So next time you need a babysitter for your kids remember (and this is not a joke, but an ironic fact) your children are AT LEAST 450 times safer from sexual abuse or assault if they are supervised by a Pornstar, hooker or Vibrator salesman like me (actually I prefer the term "Orgasm Consultant") than a member of the clergy.
Finally, a thought I had while on the toilet. As men, sometimes the toilet can be a seat of deep thought. I know George W. Bush plans U.S. policy on the latrine, 'cos his policies are usually shit. But anyway, there I was, seated on the throne of inspiration, trying to negotiate the release of the chocolate hostage and I thought "I wonder if fish have vaginas? And if they do, I wonder what they smell like?". I reckon they probably smell like humans.
Until tomorrow,
"Reach out and touch someone. Then get a good Lawyer".
Adios
I am trying to quit, however. I now only smoke when I'm drinking alcohol, so I've now cut down to 3 packs a day. The problem is, ever since I was young, my father always taught me not to be a quitter. in fact, when I was 12 years old, my dad caught me smoking, and he did what all 70's fathers did - he made me sit down and smoke the whole pack right there in front of him, and I tell you what, I learned my lesson: the following day, I let him catch me with 3 hookers and a bottle of Jack Daniels. But it was mum when I was growing up that was always mentioning hookers... she used to say "CLEAN UP YOUR BEDROOM! THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A BROTHEL!" and I'd say "I don't think so! Have you seen The Pink Pussycat? That place looks awesome!".
I've tried to quit smoking with nicotine chewing gum, and I came up with an improvement - have a chewing gum containing nicotine AND beer, and make it taste like pussy.
But now the Pope... a catholic friend of mine was going on about how the Bible forbids contraception and a sex life for priests. Bullshit. A pope a few hundred years ago decided that to prevent his top salesmen (priests) from leaving all of their riches to their spouses when they die, he ordered all Priests to become celibate, which in theory should stop them getting chicks pregnant and thus marrying them. And as for the anti-contraception rule, that was introduced purely to guarantee increased membership in the church, along with increasing chucnks of cash tithed at usually 20% of gross income which went directly to the Catholic Church, ensuring ever incresing profits and turnover (don't quote me, but I think The McDonalds Corporation and The Vatican are usually neck and neck for worldwide economic turnover and percentage of worldwide market penetration (scuse the ironic choice of words).
One last thing, speaking of the Clergy (in general, not just Catholics) check this quote from EROS, the Australian Lobby Group for the Adult (Sex) Industry in Australia...
"...Without any engagement on the issue the church is isolated and will continue to make the mistakes of its past. The prosecution of 450 sex crimes against it in 10 short years is overwhelming and damming evidence..."
That was 10 years up to a couple of years ago. Both the Sex industry and combined Christian Clergies each employ an estimated 20,000 people each, with NOT ONE charge or conviction of an Australian Adult Industry employee. So next time you need a babysitter for your kids remember (and this is not a joke, but an ironic fact) your children are AT LEAST 450 times safer from sexual abuse or assault if they are supervised by a Pornstar, hooker or Vibrator salesman like me (actually I prefer the term "Orgasm Consultant") than a member of the clergy.
Finally, a thought I had while on the toilet. As men, sometimes the toilet can be a seat of deep thought. I know George W. Bush plans U.S. policy on the latrine, 'cos his policies are usually shit. But anyway, there I was, seated on the throne of inspiration, trying to negotiate the release of the chocolate hostage and I thought "I wonder if fish have vaginas? And if they do, I wonder what they smell like?". I reckon they probably smell like humans.
Until tomorrow,
"Reach out and touch someone. Then get a good Lawyer".
Adios
NRL versus AFL
NEWS FLASH... SHARON ANYOS (AUS) DEFEATS LINDA TENBERG (US) IN WBF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP BOXING TITLE FRIDAY NIGHT 1ST OCTOBER 2004 ON GOLD COAST, AUSTRALIA... GO SHAZZA!!!!
NRL versus AFL
Now this might be hard for non-Aussies to comprehend, but here is a very serious war brewing in the Land Down Under... not one based on race, colour, creed or sexual orientation, but on WHAT IS OUR TRUE NATIONAL SPORT?
For our overseas observers, if you haven't noticed, we are fixated on 2 things - sport and well, sport. That's because we're a fairly new nation/country/ex-british penal colony attempting to assert our international identitiy without removing the Union Jack from our flag. The reason being... a couple of centuries ago, The British Empire (TM) thought the best thing to do with the "dregs" of their society was to punish the criminal element by deporting them from 'Ol Blighty to a Southern Hemisphere backwater known as Australia. Once our colonial commandants realised that our ancestors were being spoiled rotten by the best beaches, climate and resources they decided in all their wisdom to use us as cannon fodder for every time they felt like distracting the Dutch (during The Boer War), the Turks (Gallipoli) or anyone else during WW1 & WW2.
For an adolescent nation whose only international experience was with military defeat, and with no mythology nor bedtime stories from our founding fathers (who by the way almost completely annihilated the previous tenants from the past 100,000 years as well as their culture), we were left with no alternative but to define ourself as The Greatest (per capita) Sporting Nation In The World.
Look at the Sydney 2000 Olympics - "The best Olympics ever" (Juan Antonio Samaranch, IOC Grand Poobah).
No offense Athens but MALAKA! You guys created the goddamn thang! You gave the world souvlaki (THE BEST HANGOVER/RECOVERY FOOD INVENTED EVER - ESPECIALLY WITH LAMB), Demis Roussos, Nana Mousskouri, concrete, George Michael, "Greek Style" sex (the ultimate contraception and hymen preserver that protects the honour of new brides worldwide), non-flushing toilets and Melbourne... but you still couldn't get your tsziki together for your celebration of THE GREATEST WORLD SPORTING EVENT EVER (HELD EVERY 4 YEARS). I know you didn't have much warning to prepare (8 YEARS) so I'll let you off if you shift your best souvlaki chefs to Surfers Paradise Australia (most are in Melbourne so it'll be a short trip).
Anyway, I digress... Australian Rules Football was created from a cross between Gaelic Football and a heterosexual version of Rugby in the late 1800's as a way to keep local Cricket players fit during the off season, and mainly thrived in the southern states of Oz. Rugby Union soon spawned a similar but equally loved (by a now dividing and/or diversifying rugby purists) version called Rugby League (which was conceived as a failed Freudian experiment designed to distract obvious bestial-necrophiliac juveniles from a life of shemale felch-belching goat molestation) was already the choice of neckless private schoolboys, and soccer (which is realistically the only ball game primarily defined by foot/ball collision) was only patronised by soccer fans (AKA soccer fans).
So what is the true Australian sport, NRL (National Rugby League) or AFL (Australian Football League)? Neither. Until AFL creates a Tasmanian team (GO TASSIE MARINERS) and creates ACT/NT teams and/or relocates other floundering AFL clubs aside from Collingwood, and the NRL genuinely involves every other state and territory aside from NSW & QLD, we're going to be stuck with having to just concentrate on being the world's finest athletes.
featuring, (of the top of my drunken Tasmanian hat)...
Ian Thorpe (BEST SWIMMER IN THE WORLD)
AC/DC (FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK)
Ricky Ponting (BEST CRICKET CAPTAIN)
David Foster (WORLD CHAMPION WOOD CHOPPER & WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR MOST WORLD CHAMIONSHIPS HELD EVER IN ANY SPORTS SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Errol Flynn (TASMANIAN PANTSMAN)
Jennifer Hawkins (MISS UNIVERSE 2004 OR 2005, I FORGET)
Kosta Tszyu (CURRENT TRIPLE WORLD TITLE BOXING CHAMP)
Chopper Read (SHARPSHOOTING)
The Angels, AKA Angel City (AM I EVER GONNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN)
David Boon (ENDURANCE BEER DRINKING RECORD OF 52 CANS CONTAINING 375 ML OF VICTORIA BITTER AND/OR BOAG'S BEER TOTALLING 19.5 LITRES @ AVERAGE OF 5% ALCOHOL. SET 1989 DURING A 14 HOUR FLIGHT BETWEEN SYNDEY AND HEATHROW, LONDON AIRPORTS DURING WHICH 85% OF CONSUMPTION WAS CONSUMED OVER 10,00 FEET WHICH DOUBLED THE BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL USUALLY ABSORBED AT SEA LEVEL. TOTAL GROUND LEVEL LAGER CONSUMED = 1.185 LITRES OF FULL STRENGTH BEER EVERY HOUR FOR 28 HOURS. ALSO WAS A KICKASS AUSSIE CRICKETER)
Steve McGill (EXTREME SNOWBOARDER DUDE)
Greg Norman (GOLFER AND GOLD COAST REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER)
and many many more...
Sorry, too much VB.. (hey Ive..)
NRL versus AFL
Now this might be hard for non-Aussies to comprehend, but here is a very serious war brewing in the Land Down Under... not one based on race, colour, creed or sexual orientation, but on WHAT IS OUR TRUE NATIONAL SPORT?
For our overseas observers, if you haven't noticed, we are fixated on 2 things - sport and well, sport. That's because we're a fairly new nation/country/ex-british penal colony attempting to assert our international identitiy without removing the Union Jack from our flag. The reason being... a couple of centuries ago, The British Empire (TM) thought the best thing to do with the "dregs" of their society was to punish the criminal element by deporting them from 'Ol Blighty to a Southern Hemisphere backwater known as Australia. Once our colonial commandants realised that our ancestors were being spoiled rotten by the best beaches, climate and resources they decided in all their wisdom to use us as cannon fodder for every time they felt like distracting the Dutch (during The Boer War), the Turks (Gallipoli) or anyone else during WW1 & WW2.
For an adolescent nation whose only international experience was with military defeat, and with no mythology nor bedtime stories from our founding fathers (who by the way almost completely annihilated the previous tenants from the past 100,000 years as well as their culture), we were left with no alternative but to define ourself as The Greatest (per capita) Sporting Nation In The World.
Look at the Sydney 2000 Olympics - "The best Olympics ever" (Juan Antonio Samaranch, IOC Grand Poobah).
No offense Athens but MALAKA! You guys created the goddamn thang! You gave the world souvlaki (THE BEST HANGOVER/RECOVERY FOOD INVENTED EVER - ESPECIALLY WITH LAMB), Demis Roussos, Nana Mousskouri, concrete, George Michael, "Greek Style" sex (the ultimate contraception and hymen preserver that protects the honour of new brides worldwide), non-flushing toilets and Melbourne... but you still couldn't get your tsziki together for your celebration of THE GREATEST WORLD SPORTING EVENT EVER (HELD EVERY 4 YEARS). I know you didn't have much warning to prepare (8 YEARS) so I'll let you off if you shift your best souvlaki chefs to Surfers Paradise Australia (most are in Melbourne so it'll be a short trip).
Anyway, I digress... Australian Rules Football was created from a cross between Gaelic Football and a heterosexual version of Rugby in the late 1800's as a way to keep local Cricket players fit during the off season, and mainly thrived in the southern states of Oz. Rugby Union soon spawned a similar but equally loved (by a now dividing and/or diversifying rugby purists) version called Rugby League (which was conceived as a failed Freudian experiment designed to distract obvious bestial-necrophiliac juveniles from a life of shemale felch-belching goat molestation) was already the choice of neckless private schoolboys, and soccer (which is realistically the only ball game primarily defined by foot/ball collision) was only patronised by soccer fans (AKA soccer fans).
So what is the true Australian sport, NRL (National Rugby League) or AFL (Australian Football League)? Neither. Until AFL creates a Tasmanian team (GO TASSIE MARINERS) and creates ACT/NT teams and/or relocates other floundering AFL clubs aside from Collingwood, and the NRL genuinely involves every other state and territory aside from NSW & QLD, we're going to be stuck with having to just concentrate on being the world's finest athletes.
featuring, (of the top of my drunken Tasmanian hat)...
Ian Thorpe (BEST SWIMMER IN THE WORLD)
AC/DC (FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK)
Ricky Ponting (BEST CRICKET CAPTAIN)
David Foster (WORLD CHAMPION WOOD CHOPPER & WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR MOST WORLD CHAMIONSHIPS HELD EVER IN ANY SPORTS SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Errol Flynn (TASMANIAN PANTSMAN)
Jennifer Hawkins (MISS UNIVERSE 2004 OR 2005, I FORGET)
Kosta Tszyu (CURRENT TRIPLE WORLD TITLE BOXING CHAMP)
Chopper Read (SHARPSHOOTING)
The Angels, AKA Angel City (AM I EVER GONNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN)
David Boon (ENDURANCE BEER DRINKING RECORD OF 52 CANS CONTAINING 375 ML OF VICTORIA BITTER AND/OR BOAG'S BEER TOTALLING 19.5 LITRES @ AVERAGE OF 5% ALCOHOL. SET 1989 DURING A 14 HOUR FLIGHT BETWEEN SYNDEY AND HEATHROW, LONDON AIRPORTS DURING WHICH 85% OF CONSUMPTION WAS CONSUMED OVER 10,00 FEET WHICH DOUBLED THE BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL USUALLY ABSORBED AT SEA LEVEL. TOTAL GROUND LEVEL LAGER CONSUMED = 1.185 LITRES OF FULL STRENGTH BEER EVERY HOUR FOR 28 HOURS. ALSO WAS A KICKASS AUSSIE CRICKETER)
Steve McGill (EXTREME SNOWBOARDER DUDE)
Greg Norman (GOLFER AND GOLD COAST REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER)
and many many more...
Sorry, too much VB.. (hey Ive..)
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Is it just me, or...
Is it just me, or is the world just a bit scary right now? Here in Australia, we have John Howard as Prime Minister, a man that would happily fellate George W. Bush on command and NOT ask for a reach-around. Seriously, he's the only "world leader" that never found Bush's ideals hard to swallow. If he wins the upcoming Australian federal election on October 9th, he should set aside some of the national budget on Prime Ministerial kneepads.
Don't get me wrong, Saddam Hussein is a festering psycho nutbag, a genocidal gloop of smegma on the blue veined junket pumper of humanity. But the WMD excuse to remove him from power is to cover the real 3-letter reason for the Iraqi invasion - OIL. The same oil that the Bushes and their cronies have bought and sold for donkeys (or camels) years. If North Korea had oil reserves, George W. Bush would invade them too. But North Korea doesn't have oil, just weapons of mass destruction. And North Korea doesn't need oil anyway - they have enough enriched plutonium and uranium to generate megatons of instant energy.
Senator John Kerry, good luck, but even though you have an IQ over 100, and don't have micro-penis syndrome, unless you can convince the American you have testicular fortitude, we may continue to have a world leader who not only is a convicted felon and high school drop out, but thinks that Jethro Tull was one of the Beverly Hillbillies. But if you do get elected John Kerry, don't be afraid to make unpopular decisions that could blow up in your face - just make sure that some White House staffer blows you first so you have a back-up media distraction.
And Prime Minister Howard, if you get reelected here in Australia, start blowing your best mate, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello on a regular basis - that gives him less of a chance to stab you in the back (et tu, Brutus?).
Don't get me wrong, Saddam Hussein is a festering psycho nutbag, a genocidal gloop of smegma on the blue veined junket pumper of humanity. But the WMD excuse to remove him from power is to cover the real 3-letter reason for the Iraqi invasion - OIL. The same oil that the Bushes and their cronies have bought and sold for donkeys (or camels) years. If North Korea had oil reserves, George W. Bush would invade them too. But North Korea doesn't have oil, just weapons of mass destruction. And North Korea doesn't need oil anyway - they have enough enriched plutonium and uranium to generate megatons of instant energy.
Senator John Kerry, good luck, but even though you have an IQ over 100, and don't have micro-penis syndrome, unless you can convince the American you have testicular fortitude, we may continue to have a world leader who not only is a convicted felon and high school drop out, but thinks that Jethro Tull was one of the Beverly Hillbillies. But if you do get elected John Kerry, don't be afraid to make unpopular decisions that could blow up in your face - just make sure that some White House staffer blows you first so you have a back-up media distraction.
And Prime Minister Howard, if you get reelected here in Australia, start blowing your best mate, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello on a regular basis - that gives him less of a chance to stab you in the back (et tu, Brutus?).
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