Monday, October 04, 2004

Gigolo tips for the talented amateur

Tips John Howard gave me...

1. Shower the morning of a date, using anti-bacterial soap (correctly). This eliminates body odour yet still allows your pheremones to create a pheremone zone that roughly surrounds you with a radius of about 2 - 3 metres, which will signal to....
2. Women within 24 hours of their peak ovulation cycle. They're sometimes easier to recognise by dilated pupils, blood engorged lips and blushing of (facial) cheeks and labia (normally not visible,
3. You're not seducing, she's choosing. Go for a numbers game. Here in Australia, Poker Machines fill hotel rooms in their hundreds, and women prefer electronic gambling games to men by a ratio of around 6 to 1. Women gamblers also ironically tend to be ovulatory risk takers, so your chances are exponentially increased. If a female is with mate, he will normally hover nearby, so you can quickly eliminate high risk interaction. Remember, as long as they're single, you have about a one in five chance of finding a potential coplulator.
4. Appear friendly, positive and emotionally secure, yet mildy aloof. Attempt eye contact with target subjects, maintain then break first, pivot sideways as to show your symetrical (and mateworthy) physique while not smiling but grinning wryly, finishing with a quick back-glance.
5. Wander off for about 3 minutes, then return within a 3 mtr radius of potential target, but don't initiate contact. If she doesn't, shuffle off after you grab your drink/cigarette/pokie winnings. GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE UNTIL INITIAL VERBAL PROTOCOL IS INITIATED BY FEMALE.
6. Listen to what she says: only speak one word for her every 5 to 7, this appears to her as being an assessment of her inseminational appeal.
7. Keep back to the wall, eyes occaisionally darting briefly around her comfort zone. This encourages her to feel nurtered and protected.
8. Observe pupil dilation and vocal tone - sexual arousal triggers pupil widening and increased testosterone levels, creating a deeper female voice by loosening and lengthening the vocal cords around the larynx.
9. Tilted head, limb joints and feet should all be facing you now, indicating sexual interest. Subconcious grooming (hair flicking, picking fluff off her blouse etc) also indicates mating approval.
10. Suggest that you both venture outside, away from the carcinogenic and smoky environment, which is really you saying "I can't concentrate on you with all that noise/smoke etc" while she's thinking "kiss time". Don't. Talk not to her, but with her. Then when she urges to go inside, say "before you go" and lean in and SNOG HER.

i'm tired, tune in for pt 11 tomorrow...

and remember, if you have sex in the great outdoors, use lube with SPF 15


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