Sunday, October 03, 2004

NRL versus AFL

NEWS FLASH... SHARON ANYOS (AUS) DEFEATS LINDA TENBERG (US) IN WBF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP BOXING TITLE FRIDAY NIGHT 1ST OCTOBER 2004 ON GOLD COAST, AUSTRALIA... GO SHAZZA!!!!

NRL versus AFL

Now this might be hard for non-Aussies to comprehend, but here is a very serious war brewing in the Land Down Under... not one based on race, colour, creed or sexual orientation, but on WHAT IS OUR TRUE NATIONAL SPORT?

For our overseas observers, if you haven't noticed, we are fixated on 2 things - sport and well, sport. That's because we're a fairly new nation/country/ex-british penal colony attempting to assert our international identitiy without removing the Union Jack from our flag. The reason being... a couple of centuries ago, The British Empire (TM) thought the best thing to do with the "dregs" of their society was to punish the criminal element by deporting them from 'Ol Blighty to a Southern Hemisphere backwater known as Australia. Once our colonial commandants realised that our ancestors were being spoiled rotten by the best beaches, climate and resources they decided in all their wisdom to use us as cannon fodder for every time they felt like distracting the Dutch (during The Boer War), the Turks (Gallipoli) or anyone else during WW1 & WW2.

For an adolescent nation whose only international experience was with military defeat, and with no mythology nor bedtime stories from our founding fathers (who by the way almost completely annihilated the previous tenants from the past 100,000 years as well as their culture), we were left with no alternative but to define ourself as The Greatest (per capita) Sporting Nation In The World.

Look at the Sydney 2000 Olympics - "The best Olympics ever" (Juan Antonio Samaranch, IOC Grand Poobah).
No offense Athens but MALAKA! You guys created the goddamn thang! You gave the world souvlaki (THE BEST HANGOVER/RECOVERY FOOD INVENTED EVER - ESPECIALLY WITH LAMB), Demis Roussos, Nana Mousskouri, concrete, George Michael, "Greek Style" sex (the ultimate contraception and hymen preserver that protects the honour of new brides worldwide), non-flushing toilets and Melbourne... but you still couldn't get your tsziki together for your celebration of THE GREATEST WORLD SPORTING EVENT EVER (HELD EVERY 4 YEARS). I know you didn't have much warning to prepare (8 YEARS) so I'll let you off if you shift your best souvlaki chefs to Surfers Paradise Australia (most are in Melbourne so it'll be a short trip).

Anyway, I digress... Australian Rules Football was created from a cross between Gaelic Football and a heterosexual version of Rugby in the late 1800's as a way to keep local Cricket players fit during the off season, and mainly thrived in the southern states of Oz. Rugby Union soon spawned a similar but equally loved (by a now dividing and/or diversifying rugby purists) version called Rugby League (which was conceived as a failed Freudian experiment designed to distract obvious bestial-necrophiliac juveniles from a life of shemale felch-belching goat molestation) was already the choice of neckless private schoolboys, and soccer (which is realistically the only ball game primarily defined by foot/ball collision) was only patronised by soccer fans (AKA soccer fans).

So what is the true Australian sport, NRL (National Rugby League) or AFL (Australian Football League)? Neither. Until AFL creates a Tasmanian team (GO TASSIE MARINERS) and creates ACT/NT teams and/or relocates other floundering AFL clubs aside from Collingwood, and the NRL genuinely involves every other state and territory aside from NSW & QLD, we're going to be stuck with having to just concentrate on being the world's finest athletes.

featuring, (of the top of my drunken Tasmanian hat)...

Ian Thorpe (BEST SWIMMER IN THE WORLD)
AC/DC (FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK)
Ricky Ponting (BEST CRICKET CAPTAIN)
David Foster (WORLD CHAMPION WOOD CHOPPER & WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR MOST WORLD CHAMIONSHIPS HELD EVER IN ANY SPORTS SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Errol Flynn (TASMANIAN PANTSMAN)
Jennifer Hawkins (MISS UNIVERSE 2004 OR 2005, I FORGET)
Kosta Tszyu (CURRENT TRIPLE WORLD TITLE BOXING CHAMP)
Chopper Read (SHARPSHOOTING)
The Angels, AKA Angel City (AM I EVER GONNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN)
David Boon (ENDURANCE BEER DRINKING RECORD OF 52 CANS CONTAINING 375 ML OF VICTORIA BITTER AND/OR BOAG'S BEER TOTALLING 19.5 LITRES @ AVERAGE OF 5% ALCOHOL. SET 1989 DURING A 14 HOUR FLIGHT BETWEEN SYNDEY AND HEATHROW, LONDON AIRPORTS DURING WHICH 85% OF CONSUMPTION WAS CONSUMED OVER 10,00 FEET WHICH DOUBLED THE BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL USUALLY ABSORBED AT SEA LEVEL. TOTAL GROUND LEVEL LAGER CONSUMED = 1.185 LITRES OF FULL STRENGTH BEER EVERY HOUR FOR 28 HOURS. ALSO WAS A KICKASS AUSSIE CRICKETER)
Steve McGill (EXTREME SNOWBOARDER DUDE)
Greg Norman (GOLFER AND GOLD COAST REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER)
and many many more...

Sorry, too much VB.. (hey Ive..)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Rugby League or Rugby Union? Which is better?
Personally i think Rugby League out classes union by far, though being a Wakefield Wildcats fan makes me a little biased! However i do admit that internationally Rugby League needs some work so Rugby Union has that on its side but what about the game itself?
It seems that Rugby Union is just a collection of dog piles most of the time followed by short lived runs which either involve running straight into the other teams players or scoring the odd try, WHY!? In Rugby League I can see the point in running straight into your opponent as you have to make some ground only having six tackles to do it but in Union, its just a way off losing the ball! Fools!
I mean I like doing a little Rugby League Betting every other week but When it comes to Rugby Union, its just boring! KICK! THERE INFRONT! KICK! THERE BEHIND!! KICK THERE INFRONT AGAIN!!! OH NO WAIT!! THERE BEHIND AGAIN! RUN THE DAMN BALL!!!!
Anyway I’ll stop my rant here and give someone else say what they think!